a scattered dream, a new defining point

oh God, what time is it now? what kind of date??
yeah, time is surprisngly passed.. day bay day, months and a year ..
I know  those kind of days will be passed, my wretched day in those wicked time is actually gone by now.
and well,, suddenly I cant sleep, I cant think  and I think I just feel that something trapped me has recluctanly gone : those routine activities

it kill me yes, actually I'm not  mind with my daily routine as a post graduate student, but the peers is disgusting.
Ah well i don't want to talk about it anymore because no use of it,..
after a few nights I cant do anything I realize on this mid night that I found my self again in here, outside the routine activities, the targets etc.. who am I, what I dreamt for and fight for, and the ultimate is : describing my fear..
yes fear, this feeling is occupied me for several days, leaving my mind a new phase of me.
I know the bad thing was end, and this is just about me, how does my way to walk on it, to face it wee
those two people , in a tiniest amount is my resemblances.. i realized what is the result , no matter what, the key point is Process . I have to enjoyed it, be friend with my fear because no live can be surpassed without facing problem, including let new people joining our life again. no matter what they intended to me, the point is I have to settle my self first. without it there's no relationship will be better. yes, I', quite traumatized by previous part of my live..

I dunno, what will happen to me next day, my future,, my fate my dream,, it seems they scattered in vague , standing in midst... but this tiny time in this middle of night give me a point that it's time to get up again dear. your world, your future is waiting for you and I hope it's enough as a remember that whatever problem which come to you, belief that it shape and construct you know. more or less :  that is life

some priceless moments

#Sekarang ,, jogja hujan rintik,, malam,, pukul 10
backsound: lagu "Dua Sejoli" - Dewa 19
            
harusnya nugas sh buat outlen thesis dan semacamnya
but somehow, typing some scattered thought in my mind push me to write it down :)

aku merasa momen paling useless, dan tak berguna ada mada sekitaran mid Mei  hingga awal Agustus
Pengangguran baru, masih di lingkungan lama : malang, kampus dan semuanya
bapak ingin aku asdos, sekolah lagi dan dosen,,
sementara aku: yah still naggling defining my own dream and wonder that my curiosity and idealism is enough
being a reporter, civil servants, and many alternative , but one thought that : i never dreamt to study again, continued my master degree

 -- like now--

suasana psikologis ku juga hampa, antara meyakini diri untuk segera keluar dari realitas dan bersikap kuat , seperti biasa nya, dan persaan hampa tentang diriku sendiri
But, somehow God have His own plan which never expected by anyone
His destiny encountered me to two persons that at least help me deepening my mind and soul

the first person is the young lad, 2 years younger than me
bright eyes, friendly smile which by his presence
he gave me some spirit that live is never be so dull, monochromatic,
yes those 2 years really really shaped me, it happen when you really really in love with someone,
gave your worlds, time, tears and actually you'll be really really wounded
 so young clad, with his own problem, brilliant thought  ad I understand that..
somehow we destined to be met, and should learn something priceless lesson about it
maybe we are in the same vacant, emptyness mind, which somehow trapped in our young age
I enjoyed watching movie with him, go sneaked at night from his mother,, it such somehow awaked my childish memories
it seems sound awkward, but it really happen to me when I'm supposed to be mature in motherly and sisterly ways for more than 2 years in society
I understand that life is too sort if only filled with regret... and maybe he find some sisterly-feeling or something like that, when his life seems too cold, lonely, and need a recognition to be seen as an early-adult personal..
do we wrong? in such circumstancess i never have a will to call it right or wrong
i understand my Allah more from his cross sign as pray when we eat together
it seems that His massage go down to me through him, that God never let His people alone
so we should always preserve our good relationship with Him regardless our condition
somehow, we understand that our feeling must be over silently, without has a chance to talk about it
Good luck for you, may Allah send his Blessed to you to fulfill your dream. The last time I saw him, I understand it must be ended as a good memories

the second, is it you?? the one meet as early as i entered college
as an odd senior, you seems never pay attention to something or someone that you think not so much need your attention
your out of the box attitude, word and character sometimes make me feel non-sense and though : what do you exactly one
being an unpredictable person is your slogan and for more than 5 years i never pay much atttention to you
and than the days come when we maybe purposely or not entwinted together
debating arguments, ideas and even some moments that I even wonder what such a person inside in here
you both critisized me and guard me, taught me in your constructive critism
to be near you mean I'm free to be my own self, nagling with my childish attitude but in the same thime creating a conversation that concluded us as : yes "we are getting mature now"
we share our vacant moment together, which is mean happens rarely
no romantic dinner just eat some snacks in street installemnt and spend our time untul 2 a.m
both understand our complex decision making about our own life, planning a just begin life, with all idealism, mixing with realities we should consider
bringing laugh and joke on heavy matters, that we both know we should face it no matter what
some coincidental moment, your gesture when leading an Isya' prayer, one by one wondering me
am I in love again? should it begin again?

and suddenly you go there, the most southern-east past of uor nation,
involving in some development project, without never have a time to discuss and why
leaving me without any news, and some your awkward attitude that lately i'm still compensate it
2 months spend, and you actually comeback give me some news about you
usual joke, sarcasm talk, happen again in my smartphone, but I understand we change to be more mature person
just a priceless Friday and Saturday, no more than 3 weeks a once,
always stay in touch with me when spare time is available
what is our fate tomorrow? would we be destined to be together?
I dunno dear, but I admit that those feeling blossom again, with every consequences should bear
i have no other option except whispering to God
ask the best path for us..
and I hope the time, in its own patch shaping us to the best part of us
who knows, we're lucky enough to spend our remaining life together?
Stay though, I hope Allah give His Blessing and peace to you
Only in God, we always trust

ya sudah ;)

aku mgkin bagi sebagian org dan (sebagian diriku sendiri) bukan organisatoris yang baik

yang terlalu khawatir, rigid atau apalah

aku menyadari aku berada di bayang-bayang

jika di organisasi

aku terlalu idealis sekaligus rapuh

sehingga terombangambing g karuan terkadang

gapapa...

pkerjaan yang aku sadar bener2 enjoi mmg g jaoh2 dari akdemik, riset, atau diskusi kecil

yang g lepas dari buku ;p

aku mencintai smua ini

aku adalah aku yang kemarin, sekarang dan nanti

namun kau tau sobat,

impianku mgkin terdengar konyol dan nonsens bagi beberapa dari kalian:

jadi ibu rumah tangga

ahahaha

setinggi apapun karirku sekarang

seluarbiasa impian q yang akan ku raih kelak

jika ditanya, aku akan ttp kembali ke peraduanku

ke anak2 ku

di rumah

aku memang tidak berkesempatan memiliki ibu yang bisa penuh mencurahkan diri ke anak-anaknya

oleh karena itu, tidak akan ku sia-siakan jika kesempatan itu datang

sekarang wktunya aku melesat

yha, aku ttap di dunia ku kok nanti

menulis itu dunia ku

mengajar, berhubungan dg orang banyak..itulah angan skaligus jalan stapak yg kujalani

bukan power, otoritas, atau pengakuan lagi yang kudambakan saat itu

bahkan skarangpun aku tak terlalu nyaman dengan 3 hal itu

dan pelan2 akan kucba menjaga jarak dengannya